Life, Lately

I feel different about life than I ever have before. I am working 25-32 hours each week while also going to all of my classes and doing a full-time students' work-load. It feels like a lot to do, and it is, but I am doing it all so that I can marry a sweet girl that I met a year and a half ago. Even though I'm the busiest I have ever been and should be really stressed out, I really don't mind.

Life with Katie is moving forward as it should. We have found a place to live and have budgeted out our income to ensure we can actually live there. I miss her more when we are apart than I used to, and I appreciate her presence for its own sake in ways I did not before. Unfortunately, I do not get to see her as often as I am accustomed to seeing her because of the times that I work--she works in the mornings and afternoons, and I work almost exclusively in the evenings. After homework is considered, we have practically no overlapping free time. But still, it is not so hard. Maybe this is what Jacob felt like when he was working to marry Rachel--he probably did not see her very often either, if he was working as hard for Laban as I have always imagined him to. Of course, he had to work for 7 years, and I am getting married in less than two months, so I suppose I have the easier deal.

In the meantime, my spiritual development (which was just beginning to blossom this time last month) has come to a dead halt again by nature of my absence of discipline. Of course, it does not help that I am also addicted to a board game and I find myself thinking about it when I wake up in the morning, or even as I drift off to sleep at night; while I find that disturbing, I do not find it as disturbing as you probably do--you must understand, the game in question is really cool.

But even though I feel like my spiritual development has halted, I know that it hasn't. The season of my life right now seems to be one of knowing God's presence without feeling it. Every time I get a paycheck, I thank God for the ways that He is providing for us, and I take comfort in knowing that He is taking care of me. Part of me would like to say that there is some great struggle inside me, but on this matter there is none. God is providing enough for me.

In some sense I feel that I have reached a point of spiritual maturity, but I know that if I were also self-disciplined I would be grounded in the spiritual disciplines. So there is a conflict within me, it is just not an impassioned one. I am comfortable in my spirituality and content to let God do the work of coming close to me, but I am not going through any of the motions that will let me draw closer to Him in turn. I know this is awful, but I don't feel bad when I try to do anything different and fail. God's grace is more than anything I can do, and it is much more than a free ride out of sin.

Put differently, the struggle is this: there is no reason not to memorize Ephesians (a very real goal of mine), and there are many reasons that I should, but I don't need to do so, so I do not. What I need is the self-discipline (or a smack up the side of my head) to do the host of things that I will need to be in the habit of doing later in life. But how do I get self-discipline? There doesn't seem to be a switch in the back of my head labeled "Self Discipline: on/off," because I have tried to flip it a number of times to no avail. Do I wait for God to flip that switch in me? Because I'm already doing that. Here I am again at the same conundrum I have faced over and over again for countless months. God is good though, and He is bigger than my conundrums--that is what keeps me from losing my head.

Isaiah 30

It has been a few day since I spent time in the word and I was feeling the lack of it so before going to bed I sat down and read Isaiah 30. On the first read-through all the words went right by me and my mind was in another place, so I read it again and it began to resonate with me.

Dr. McWilliams talked about this particular time of Judah's history in my Old Testament class last semester. As I remember it, Assyria had successfully invaded Israel (the Northern Kingdom composed of ten tribes of Israel), so Judah (the Southern Kingdom made up of two tribes of Israel) was concerned about their own safety and they were entering alliance negotiations with the Egyptians. But YHWH wanted the Kingdom of Judah to rely on Him, and not on the Egyptians, so He commanded Isaiah to deliver the following message.

¹"Woe to the rebellious children," declares the LORD,
"Who execute a plan, but not Mine,
And make an alliance, but not of My Spirit,
In order to add sin to sin;
²Who proceed down to Egypt
Without consulting Me,
To take refuge in the safety of Pharaoh
And to seek shelter in the shadow of Egypt!
³"Therefore the safety of Pharaoh will be your shame
And the shelter in the shadow of Egypt, your humiliation.
⁴"For their princes are at Zoan
And their ambassadors arrive at Hanes.
⁵"Everyone will be ashamed because of a people who cannot profit them,
Who are not for help or profit, but for shame and also for reproach."
⁶The oracle concerning the beasts of the Negev
Through a land of distress and anguish,
From where come lioness and lion, viper and flying serpent,
They carry their riches on the backs of young donkeys
And their treasures on camels' humps,
To a people who cannot profit them;
⁷Even Egypt, whose help is vain and empty
Therefore, I have called her
"Rahab who has been exterminated."
⁸Now go, write it on a tablet before them
And inscribe it on a scroll,
That it may serve in the time to come
As a witness forever.
⁹For this is a rebellious people, false sons,
Sons who refuse to listen
To the instruction of the LORD;
¹⁰Who say to the seers, "You must not see visions";
And to the prophets, "You must not prophesy to us what is right,
Speak to us pleasant words,
Prophesy illusions.
¹¹"Get out of the way, turn aside from the path,
Let us hear no more about the Holy One of Israel."
¹²Therefore thus says the Holy One of Israel,
"Since you have rejected this word
And have put your trust in oppression and guile, and have relied on them,
¹³Therefore this iniquity will be to you
Like a breach about to fall,
A bulge in a high wall,
Whose collapse comes suddenly in an instant,
¹⁴Whose collapse is like the smashing of a potter's jar,
So ruthlessly shattered
That a sherd will not be found among its pieces
To take fire from a hearth
Or to scoop water from a cistern."
¹⁵For thus the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said,
"In repentance and rest you will be saved,
In quietness and trust is your strength."
But you were not willing,
¹⁶And you said, "No, for we will flee on horses,"
Therefore you shall flee!
"And we will ride on swift horses,"
Therefore those who pursue you shall be swift.
¹⁷One thousand will flee at the threat of one man;
You will flee at the threat of five,
Until you are left as a flag on a mountain top
And as a signal on a hill.
¹⁸Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
For the LORD is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him.
¹⁹O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. ²⁰Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. ²¹Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left. ²²And you will defile your graven images overlaid with silver, and your molten images plated with gold You will scatter them as an impure thing, and say to them, "Be gone!" ²³Then He will give you rain for the seed which you will sow in the ground, and bread from the yield of the ground, and it will be rich and plenteous; on that day your livestock will graze in a roomy pasture. ²⁴Also the oxen and the donkeys which work the ground will eat salted fodder, which has been winnowed with shovel and fork. ²⁵On every lofty mountain and on every high hill there will be streams running with water on the day of the great slaughter, when the towers fall. ²⁶The light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven days, on the day the LORD binds up the fracture of His people and heals the bruise He has inflicted.
²⁷Behold, the name of the LORD comes from a remote place;
Burning is His anger and dense is His smoke;
His lips are filled with indignation
And His tongue is like a consuming fire;
²⁸His breath is like an overflowing torrent,
Which reaches to the neck,
To shake the nations back and forth in a sieve,
And to put in the jaws of the peoples the bridle which leads to ruin.
²⁹You will have songs as in the night when you keep the festival,
And gladness of heart as when one marches to the sound of the flute,
To go to the mountain of the LORD, to the Rock of Israel.
³⁰And the LORD will cause His voice of authority to be heard,
And the descending of His arm to be seen in fierce anger,
And in the flame of a consuming fire
In cloudburst, downpour and hailstones.
³¹For at the voice of the LORD Assyria will be terrified,
When He strikes with the rod.
³²And every blow of the rod of punishment,
Which the LORD will lay on him,
Will be with the music of tambourines and lyres;
And in battles, brandishing weapons, He will fight them.
³³For Topheth has long been ready,
Indeed, it has been prepared for the king
He has made it deep and large,
A pyre of fire with plenty of wood;
The breath of the LORD, like a torrent of brimstone, sets it afire.

- Isaiah 30 New American Standard Bible -

Reading this passage, the righteousness, grace, and steadfast love of God for Judah stood out to me. Although He is a jealous God who will not abide His children depending on anyone weaker than Himself, He is also a gracious and loving God who always takes His children back when they repent. The image of God blessing the Southern Kingdom and spewing His wrath upon the Assyrians to protect His children is a very beautiful one.

Love the LORD Your God

²⁶He said to him, "What is written in the Law? How do you read it?" ²⁷And he answered, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself."
²⁸And he said to him, "You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live."
- Luke 10:26-28 English Standard Version -

¹⁵For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. ¹⁶Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. ¹⁷So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. ¹⁸For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
²¹So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. ²²For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, ²³but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. ²⁴Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ²⁵Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
- Romans 7:15-25 English Standard Version -

Voices

In the silent hour I can hear them
I pray to the mother
But the mother doesn't love my soul
In the blackened earth lay my secrets
The hounds of hell know everything
At the moon they howl
I cut away, I get away,
I hide away from the light
Still they smell my fear, and they will hunt me like the animal I've been

Cut cut cut a hole in the night
The voices of the innocent are coming to life
Cut cut cut a hole in the night
The voices of the innocent are coming to life

In a graceless world, I was graceless
I'm just a murderer cause murder was my only chance
Though I'm wretched, I am not faithless
The ears of God hear everything
And He hears them still
Every cry, every breath
In every land that have slain
Just to save myself
How can God show mercy? I was merciless to them

Cut cut cut a hole in the night
The voices of the innocent are coming to life
Cut cut cut a hole in the night
The voices of the innocent are coming to life

"Your greatest sin is not the abortion that you've asked forgiveness for, or the adultery, or whatever it is that you did in your life, in the past, that you're ashamed of, that keeps hounding you -- your greatest sin is not that; your greatest sin is not believing God's word when He says that you're forgiven! You wanna' repent of something, friend? Stop repenting of sins you've already repented of, and repent of your unbelief!"

The voices of the innocent are coming to life

"Voices" by House of Heroes

Things I Don't Understand

I keep thinking that I'm beginning to get things figured out, and then God shows me more scripture. I was reading the beattitudes this morning and saw some things I just don't get. Then I read 1 Corinthians 5 and my entire Christian attitude dynamic was thrown for a loop.

Matthew 5:8 NASB: "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

They shall see God... with their eyes? They will go to heaven and be in His presence? What does He mean when He says "they shall see God," anyway?

Matthew 5:3,10 NASB: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
"Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

What is the Kingdom of Heaven? Is it the presence of God? Is it "heaven" as most Christians tend to think of it? This white place that we "go" to worship God after we die? Thus far in Matthew, Jesus and John have each said "Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near." So what is the Kingdom of Heaven?

1 Corinthians 5 ESV: ¹It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife. ²And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you.
³For though absent in body, I am present in spirit; and as if present, I have already pronounced judgment on the one who did such a thing. ⁴When you are assembled in the name of the Lord Jesus and my spirit is present, with the power of our Lord Jesus, ⁵you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.
⁶ Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump? ⁷Cleanse out the old leaven that you may be a new lump, as you really are unleavened. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. ⁸Let us therefore celebrate the festival, not with the old leaven, the leaven of malice and evil, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.
⁹I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— ¹⁰ not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. ¹¹But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. ¹²For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? ¹³God judges those outside. "Purge the evil person from among you."

Romans 14 ESV: ¹As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. ² One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. ³Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. ⁴ Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
⁵ One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. ⁶The one who observes the day, observes it in honor of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God. ⁷For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. ⁸For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. ⁹For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.
¹⁰Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; ¹¹for it is written,
"As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me,
and every tongue shall confess to God."
¹²So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.
¹³ Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. ¹⁴I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. ¹⁵For if your brother is grieved by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. By what you eat, do not destroy the one for whom Christ died. ¹⁶ So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil. ¹⁷ For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. ¹⁸Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. ¹⁹So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
²⁰ Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats. ²¹ It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble. ²²The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. ²³But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.

Looking at Romans 14 again I see that it's a different context -- eating unclean foods, rather than sinning sexually -- but I'm still a little confused. While it is obvious to me that sinning sexually is unacceptable -- Paul frequently condemns sexual sin in his letters, and Jesus told the adulterous woman to "sin no more" -- I am not sure that I understand how it is that some of the old law, like circumcision and unclean foods, are no longer necessary, but other parts, like sexual purity, are still necessary.

I understand that holiness is a must for Christians. Does 1 Corinthians 5 change how I react to my friend who claims to be a Christian but is living with her boyfriend? What about someone who claims to be a Christian and says she is a lesbian as well? I know I'm supposed to love them, but Paul seems to be saying that love towards a sinning Christian is not always "nice." He tells the Corinthian church to exile a man for his sin! I see that it is so that "his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord," but it seems so harsh to me. Am I making it more complex than it needs to be because I'm reluctant to accept a difficult teaching?

Does his council even apply to me, since the friend who is living with her boyfriend is not part of my church community? The Corinthian church was made up of all the Christians in Corinth. Does this mean that my "church" is made up of all the Christians in my logistical community?

I'm not looking for an answer from human reason, but from scripture. I am sure that there is an answer and that I will find it eventually. I apologize for asking so many questions without offering many answers.

Loved By A Relentless God

I am so thankful that God never lets me go.

In the beginning of the fall semester of my Freshman year I began dating a beautiful young woman. This happened at a time when I had inexplicably ceased to study my bible or pray on a regular basis for several weeks straight. I tried a few times to pick the habit back up, but it never stuck and I spent the rest of the semester exhausting myself mentally, spiritually, and physically. I was not behaving as I should have and I was not walking with God. I remember once weeping in a worship setting and asking God where He was; begging Him to come back to me. It was not until after my girlfriend dumped me a week before the Spring semester began that I realized it was not God who had left me, but I who had left God. The day that my girlfriend dumped me I went out to the prayer garden near my house and got honest with God. I read Psalms 16 and 18 aloud and put all my hope in the God they spoke of.

¹Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.
²I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
I have no good besides You."
³As for the saints who are in the earth,
They are the majestic ones in whom is all my delight.
⁴The sorrows of those who have bartered for another god will be multiplied;
I shall not pour out their drink offerings of blood,
Nor will I take their names upon my lips.
⁵The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You support my lot.
⁶The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
⁷I will bless the LORD who has counseled me;
Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
⁸I have set the LORD continually before me;
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
⁹Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will dwell securely.
¹⁰For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol;
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.
¹¹You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

- Psalm 16 NASB -

¹"I love You, O LORD, my strength."
²The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
³I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
And I am saved from my enemies.
⁴The cords of death encompassed me,
And the torrents of ungodliness terrified me.
⁵The cords of Sheol surrounded me;
The snares of death confronted me.
⁶In my distress I called upon the LORD,
And cried to my God for help;
He heard my voice out of His temple,
And my cry for help before Him came into His ears.
⁷Then the earth shook and quaked;
And the foundations of the mountains were trembling
And were shaken, because He was angry.
⁸Smoke went up out of His nostrils,
And fire from His mouth devoured;
Coals were kindled by it.
⁹He bowed the heavens also, and came down
With thick darkness under His feet.
¹⁰He rode upon a cherub and flew;
And He sped upon the wings of the wind.
¹¹He made darkness His hiding place, His canopy around Him,
Darkness of waters, thick clouds of the skies.
¹²From the brightness before Him passed His thick clouds,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
¹³The LORD also thundered in the heavens,
And the Most High uttered His voice,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
¹⁴He sent out His arrows, and scattered them,
And lightning flashes in abundance, and routed them.
¹⁵Then the channels of water appeared,
And the foundations of the world were laid bare
At Your rebuke, O LORD,
At the blast of the breath of Your nostrils.
¹⁶He sent from on high, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
¹⁷He delivered me from my strong enemy,
And from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.
¹⁸They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the LORD was my stay.
¹⁹He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me.
²⁰The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness;
According to the cleanness of my hands He has recompensed me.
²¹For I have kept the ways of the LORD,
And have not wickedly departed from my God.
²²For all His ordinances were before me,
And I did not put away His statutes from me.
²³I was also blameless with Him,
And I kept myself from my iniquity.
²⁴Therefore the LORD has recompensed me according to my righteousness,
According to the cleanness of my hands in His eyes.
²⁵With the kind You show Yourself kind;
With the blameless You show Yourself blameless;
²⁶With the pure You show Yourself pure,
And with the crooked You show Yourself astute.
²⁷For You save an afflicted people,
But haughty eyes You abase.
²⁸For You light my lamp;
The LORD my God illumines my darkness.
²⁹For by You I can run upon a troop;
And by my God I can leap over a wall.
³⁰As for God, His way is blameless;
The word of the LORD is tried;
He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.
³¹For who is God, but the LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God,
³²The God who girds me with strength
And makes my way blameless?
³³He makes my feet like hinds' feet,
And sets me upon my high places.
³⁴He trains my hands for battle,
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
³⁵You have also given me the shield of Your salvation,
And Your right hand upholds me;
And Your gentleness makes me great.
³⁶You enlarge my steps under me,
And my feet have not slipped.
³⁷I pursued my enemies and overtook them,
And I did not turn back until they were consumed.
³⁸I shattered them, so that they were not able to rise;
They fell under my feet.
³⁹For You have girded me with strength for battle;
You have subdued under me those who rose up against me.
⁴⁰You have also made my enemies turn their backs to me,
And I destroyed those who hated me.
⁴¹They cried for help, but there was none to save,
Even to the LORD, but He did not answer them.
⁴²Then I beat them fine as the dust before the wind;
I emptied them out as the mire of the streets.
⁴³You have delivered me from the contentions of the people;
You have placed me as head of the nations;
A people whom I have not known serve me.
⁴⁴As soon as they hear, they obey me;
Foreigners submit to me.
⁴⁵Foreigners fade away,
And come trembling out of their fortresses.
⁴⁶The LORD lives, and blessed be my rock;
And exalted be the God of my salvation,
⁴⁷The God who executes vengeance for me,
And subdues peoples under me.
⁴⁸He delivers me from my enemies;
Surely You lift me above those who rise up against me;
You rescue me from the violent man.
⁴⁹Therefore I will give thanks to You among the nations, O LORD,
And I will sing praises to Your name.
⁵⁰He gives great deliverance to His king,
And shows lovingkindness to His anointed,
To David and his descendants forever.

- Psalm 18 NASB -

I felt pretty low for a while after our breakup. The whole thing was very negative and I felt very much like "a worm and not a man" (Psalm 22:6).

Looking back I can see the way that God allowed me to suffer through that fall semester to learn valuable lessons about life, relationships, and most importantly, myself. What I am truly thankful for, however, is that God did not leave me where I was. He has brought me back to Him and is continuing to work in me to redeem my story. He is so good to me, always.

Psalm 19:14

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer."
- Psalm 19:14 NASB -

Are the words of your mouth acceptable to God? God wants us to speak in such a way that we build others up and glorify His name. Ephesians 4:29 says

"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear."

According to Google, "edification" brings about enlightenment or is uplifting. When we speak, we should be looking at the needs of the moment and speaking words that encourage and improve the people around us.

Grace is unmerited favor, and it is what God has given us. We have done nothing to deserve his Unconditional Love, but He has given it to us anyway. That's grace. Do your words give grace to those who hear them?

Are the meditations of your heart acceptable to God? Philippians 4:8 says:

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

That verse doesn't need any summary. We are to dwell on, or meditate on, things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Holiness

¹⁴ As obedient children, do not be conformed to the desires of your former ignorance ¹⁵ but, as the One who called you is holy, you also are to be holy in all your conduct; ¹⁶ for it is written, Be holy, because I am holy.
- 1 Peter 1:14-16 Holman Christian Standard Bible

Lately, God has really been convicting me about Holiness. To be holy is to be set apart. My God, Jehovah, is a Righteous and Just God. There is nothing unclean, impure, or sinful in or about Him. He is perfect in every way, and to be in communion with Him requires perfection. This is why Christ died for us, so that His perfection would cover our imperfection and we could have a relationship with God.

¹ Therefore, no condemnation now exists for those in Christ Jesus,
- Romans 8:1 Holman Christian Standard Bible

To have a relationship with God we must follow Him and obey His commands.

¹⁵ If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.
- John 14:15 Holman Christian Standard Bible

²¹ The one who has My commands and keeps them is the one who loves Me. And the one who loves Me will be loved by My Father. I also will love him and will reveal Myself to him.
- John 14:21 Holman Christian Standard Bible

¹⁰ If you keep My commands you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commands and remain in His love.
- John 15:10 Holman Christian Standard Bible

And what are His commands?

³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. ³¹ The second is: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.
- Mark 12:30-31 Holman Christian Standard Bible

¹⁹ Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ teaching them to observe everything I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.
- Matthew 28:19-20 Holman Christian Standard Bible

So we see that we are to love our neighbors and share the Good News of Christ's sacrifice with them. Wonderful!

For a long time I felt that to do that I had to put up with some of the impurities of this world so that I could share the Gospel; that to be "in the world but not of it" I had to allow some things in my presence that I might not have otherwise. God has been showing me otherwise.

⁴ Adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? So whoever wants to be the world's friend becomes God's enemy. ⁵ Or do you think it's without reason the Scripture says that the Spirit He has caused to live in us yearns jealously?
- James 4:4-5 Holman Christian Standard Bible

Wow. "Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God?" This really leaped out at me. God has been using these and other passages to make me question what I let in to my mind.

Foul language is the first thing that I'm wrestling with. It's not enough that I not cuss myself, I need to not even think about cussing. I need to look at the movies I watch and the music I listen to and assess it to see "is this really something I want rattling around in my head?"

The next thing I'm wrestling with is humor. What is okay to laugh and talk about? Lewd and crude jokes do not need to be in my head; especially the former. Lewd jokes bring things to mind that I don't need to think about.

² And walk in love, as the Messiah also loved us and gave Himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God. ³ But sexual immorality and any impurity or greed should not even be heard of among you, as is proper for saints. ⁴ And coarse and foolish talking or crude joking are not suitable, but rather giving thanks. ⁵ For know and recognize this: no sexually immoral or impure or greedy person, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of the Messiah and of God.
- Ephesians 5:2-5 Holman Christian Standard Bible

The final thing I can think of is imagery. What images am I allowing to pollute my mind? But imagining the things I imagine, what am I choosing to focus on?

²⁸ But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
- Matthew 5:28 Holman Christian Standard Bible

As a Christian, God is calling me to be Holy; to be set apart from the world. It isn't an easy thing to do, but I will do anything for Immanuel. My God suffered and died for me because He loves me; I love Him, so surely I can sacrifice these little things for Him.

⁸ Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise—dwell on these things.
- Philippians 4:8 Holman Christian Standard Bible

Super Summer Oklahoma

I tried to keep a kind of journal throughout Super Summer, but I didn’t do a very good job. I’m not sure how much of it I will be able to transfer here. I was pretty busy throughout each day.

I roomed alone on the same hall as the guys from FBC Tulsa (the church I came with) and some other guys. I had a roommate, but he never showed up.

Our speaker was an Iranian-born man named Afshin Ziafat. His father and all of his family is Muslim, and that is how he was raised. He was a Muslim until he turned about sixteen or seventeen years old, at which point he became a Christian. Two or three of his siblings have since become Christians and he is praying for his father to become a Christian as well. I bought a DVD of his testimony it is a powerful story. He is a very biblical, expositional preacher. He is passionate and insightful.

As it turns out, Super Summer is not a leadership training camp but rather a youth camp for strong(er) Christians. There was some leadership training (Afshin taught a break-out session about David), but for the most part the focus was more on spiritual development and things like that. The schedule was fairly intense. We had a thirty minute break sometime between breakfast and lunch, and about a two-hour break around dinner time, but the rest of the day was packed full of stuff for us to do. We had multiple classroom sessions every day with our “school;” the schools divided by grade, I was in Silver School, for graduated seniors.

The first night, Afshin talked about being content in what God has for us. I realized that night that I have stopped being content with my singleness. It’s something I’m working on. I think I made good progress over the course of the week.

Also on the second day I heard Afshin’s testimony during a break-out session. After sharing his testimony, Afshin filled the second break-out session slot with a talk about the differences between Islam and Christianity. Morally, Islam and Christianity are aligned with each other (that didn’t surprise me), but Islam believes you are saved by works while Christians believe we are saved by God’s grace. Basically, Islam believes that all the deeds of your life are put on a scale and if it tips in favor of the good things, you go to heaven (if you’re a Muslim), and if in favor of the bad, you go to hell. They believe in five pillars of faith: Creed (declaring you’re a Muslim “There is no god but Allah, and Muhammed is his prophet”), Prayer (five times a day, in Arabic, facing Mecca), Fasting (during Ramadan, no food, drink, sex, etc.), Alms, and Pilgrimage (if it’s within your means, visit Mecca; this is very subjective). As has been pointed out, Islam is ultimately a fear-based religion because it is works-based rather than grace-based. Interestingly, Muslims believe that Jesus was a sinless prophet, and that he was born of a virgin. However, there is a controversy amongst them as to whether or not Jesus actually died on the cross. I would tell you a little more about this, but I don’t remember the specifics.

During our evening classroom session (the time of day spent with the other High School graduates in our own room, we had our own speaker and worship leader, and we met there twice a day) on the second day we discussed spiritual gifts. I discovered that my three main spiritual gifts are Hospitality, Exhortation, and Leadership. None of those surprised me (I’d taken a similar, longer test before and had similar results).

On the evening of the second night, Afshin talked about being discontent with where we are in our relationship with God. One of the things he said that stood out to me was that sometimes God gives us what we think we want to show us that it’s not what we really want.

It was on this day that I felt really convicted about my scriptural knowledge; my weak scripture memory and lack of deep study.

On the third day, Afshin spoke about leadership during his break-out session. He used King David as a model for leadership. He spoke of how David’s heart was humble, servile, and faithful, and of how David acted with integrity. It was a good session. Afshin is visibly more relaxed in the afternoon break-out sessions. In the afternoons you feel more like he’s hanging out in your living room or teaching a small group, but in the evenings he’s more like an impassioned camp speaker.

Afshin’s second break-out session was the same as the first, so I went with three girls (Leah Palmer and Sarah Peters will be OBU Freshman this fall, and Kyleigh Colclasure came with FBC Tulsa and is going to OU this fall, they’re all really nice, sweet girls) to a break-out session about Global Missions. It was good, though it would have been a little more applicable to me if I was called to full-time international missions, instead of American missions. Mainly, they spoke on being prepared to go whenever God calls you to go. Their advice was something like this:
• Know your calling “Satan would be happy if we focused on the good things and not the best things.” “We are not called to rock babies. We are called to share Jesus with people. If you need to rock babies to share Jesus, that’s fine.”
• Be an expert student in the Word of God “Always be prepared to give an answer… ” “Never stop learning.”
• Learn to pray “Develop a conversational relationship with God. Pray without ceasing.”
• Start making international friends now.
• Avoid debt & credit cards.
• Get a passport now.
All of which is good advice, regardless of whether you’re going overseas or not. Also, they highly recommended taking a specific History of Christianity college course called Perspectives (www.perspectives.org) and graduating from College with a practical degree (Business, Journalism, etc.) before going overseas indefinitely. Not only does college life prepare you for being in the world as an individual (they said high schoolers aren’t prepared to live alone overseas), but having a degree gives you an excuse to go in to closed countries (like China and even Italy).

On the third night the Silver School (high school graduates) and Purple School (a separate school for any students called to vocational ministry) got to pray over kids from the Red School (the 7th-graders). We each took one aside and prayed over them and shared with them the things we wished we’d known when we were their age. They gave us five or ten minutes to do it right in the middle of the worship service, with the band on stage. It was cool. We were told that it was all that Red School talked about the following day.

On the evening of the third night, Afshin spoke about Integrity. This is a paraphrase of something he quoted (he didn’t name his source) “Character is the ability to follow through with a decision long after the emotion for the decision has passed.” I like that quote a lot. He talked about how:
• Integrity honors God when no one else is looking – we make decisions in life and those decisions make us. We live in four worlds, our private world (us and God), our personal world (our closest, most intimate friends), our professional world (our co-workers and fellow students), and our public world (strangers with an opinion of us based on our reputation). Character is rooted in our private world, and it shows itself in our other worlds. Proverbs 4:23, 1 John 1:9.
• Integrity honors God when things go bad – David waited for God’s timing to become King, even though he had opportunities to kill or dethrone Saul before then. Hebrews 11:6, Daniel 6:5, Daniel 6:10, 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18.
• Integrity honors God when no one around us wants to.
Of course, he had scripture woven throughout all his lessons, but I’m only including a few of the references I wrote down, and I missed some of them when he was speaking.

On the fourth day during the morning classroom session, our classroom speaker (who spoke mainly on Apologetics, though he told us it’s not his specialty and he usually focuses on other things) pointed out something I’d never seen before: Psalm 22 is a very accurate prophecy of Jesus’ death on the cross. I believe this was the same morning that he told us that Jesus fulfilled all sixty-eight* major biblical prophesies about the Messiah, and all three-hundred-and-one* minor biblical prophesies about the Messiah. (*I might have these numbers a little off, but I know they’re close.)

On the fourth evening, Afshin talked about living for others. He said that some people look at life as if looking at a mirror – it’s all about them – while others look at life as if it’s a window – it’s all about others. He referenced the fact that Paul delighted in the godliness and joy of others (1 Thessalonians 3:6-13, emphasis on v. 8, 1 Thessalonians 2:19). He then went on to talk about how living for others requires:
• Authentic Fellowship – 1 Thessalonians 3:10-11. Your life will not be impacted or impactful in isolation. Relationships must be authentic.
• Authentic Faith – 1 Thessalonians 3:8, 2 Corinthians 1:3-7
• Authentic Love – 1 Thessalonians 3:12, 1 John 3, and 1 John 4:7-8. We cannot keep love trapped inside us; love must come out of us if it is to be real and authentic. We must love those who wrong us, as well as those who don’t know God.
• Authentic Holiness – We must examine ourselves (which means sometimes looking in the mirror, instead of out the window) to see how we can better reflect God.
• Authentic Passion – Philippians 1:21-26.
Then he went on to talk about a kid named B.J. Higgins. This kid prayed the salvation prayer when he was six, and then came again to Christ when he was eight. He immediately became an evangelist. I don’t remember all of the story, but he shared Christ with everyone he encountered and began going on missionary journeys whenever he could. I’m leaving out parts, but ultimately he ended up dying in a foreign country at the age of fifteen. We were told that he told the nurse in the hospital about Jesus while coughing up blood and being told to stop talking for his own health. Afshin said that some people call his a wasted life because he died so young and could have done so much more, but then he told this story:
A few years later, B.J.’s dad was in Kenya on a mission trip when this kid came and sat next to him. The kid told him that he had been a Christian for two years but didn’t have a bible. God told the father that the kid was going to be Kenya’s next evangelist, and to give the kid a bible. The father didn’t want to because the only one he had was B.J.’s bible with B.J.’s notes in the back. He wrestled with God a while and finally relented. He told the kid what God said to him (the kid got excited) and then gave him the bible. The kid was fifteen years old; the same age that B.J. was when he died. B.J. kept a journal (you can actually buy it I Would Die For You, by B.J. Higgins) and Afshin quoted this “He went through the blood, the least we can do is go through the mud.”

At some point in the night, Afshin spoke of how he’s still trying to win his Muslim father to Christ. He told a story of how a crew that came to clean up his father’s yard after Hurricane Ike (Afshin and his family are from Texas) made a cross from one of the tree-stumps left after the storm. He said that he and his wife (of seven months, he’s still moonstruck) now have that cross in their house, “to present to my father, on the day that…” and his voice broke. I think he almost cried in the next minute, but he went back to speaking and got over it. It tugged at all of us. In fact, when he said that, the entire auditorium gave resounding applause. We might even have stood. It was very touching.

On the last day, Afshin spoke in the morning. His sermon was shorter, and it was about Evangelism, and how God wants all the world to know of Him and His love.

Our worship band for the week was the Chris White band. They were really good. Not just as worship leaders, but also as musicians. I bought their CD.

In the course of the week, I became richer by five t-shirts: I got one dark blue Super Summer t-shirt on the first day for free as the camp t-shirt; I bought the Silver School t-shirt for ten bucks – it’s cool-looking and super comfortable – probably my favorite; I got a green t-shirt from OBU for filling out a survey (it was meant for younger kids without a college selected yet, but they let me do it too); I bought a baby blue Super Summer t-shirt for ten bucks to help pay for a Super Summer Youth Camp in Alaska; and I got a red OBU t-shirt from the admissions office for being an enrolled student (they were giving them out to anyone who filled an admission application).

The youth with the First Baptist Church of Tulsa are pretty cool. I like the guys. One of them impressed me more than the others though. There was a sixteen-year-old homeschooled guy named Daniel. I didn’t get to know him well, but I think that every interaction I saw him in impressed me. To begin with, he’s pretty buff; he’s a football player and he plays with a homeschool team. He’s also good looking; he reminds me of the dark-haired guy from the movie Pearl Harbor. He’s very friendly and personable and reminds me of myself at sixteen, except for the fact that he’s cooler. He’s more stylish than I was at sixteen; he’s more stylish than I am right now, for that matter. I don’t think I ever saw him alone; he was always with someone, usually smiling, laughing, and talking. I wasn’t around him enough to see if he really loves people, but he definitely likes them a lot. He loves worship music. He likes other music too, but he really loves worship music. I heard him talk about worship music several times in the course of the week.

Regrettably, I didn’t get any real quality time with Daniel or any of the other guys in the group, but I like them all and I got the impression they like me as well. They adopted me as a youth group member, and I was the only guy (there was also a girl) “with” their church to be in Silver School, so I was the oldest of them.

The First Few Thoughts

Now that I have already reserved the name, I wonder if perhaps I should have named my blog differently. My soul is broken, yes, but it is also being healed. It's a daily process. With each new cut I add to my soul (and it is oh, so easy to do) I pray for healing. And it comes. Slowly or quickly, it comes. My soul heals. There is a scar left there but the wound is healed.

Every soul is different, but each soul is broken. Each soul needs healing. Has your soul been healed yet, or are you still looking?