Life, Lately

I feel different about life than I ever have before. I am working 25-32 hours each week while also going to all of my classes and doing a full-time students' work-load. It feels like a lot to do, and it is, but I am doing it all so that I can marry a sweet girl that I met a year and a half ago. Even though I'm the busiest I have ever been and should be really stressed out, I really don't mind.

Life with Katie is moving forward as it should. We have found a place to live and have budgeted out our income to ensure we can actually live there. I miss her more when we are apart than I used to, and I appreciate her presence for its own sake in ways I did not before. Unfortunately, I do not get to see her as often as I am accustomed to seeing her because of the times that I work--she works in the mornings and afternoons, and I work almost exclusively in the evenings. After homework is considered, we have practically no overlapping free time. But still, it is not so hard. Maybe this is what Jacob felt like when he was working to marry Rachel--he probably did not see her very often either, if he was working as hard for Laban as I have always imagined him to. Of course, he had to work for 7 years, and I am getting married in less than two months, so I suppose I have the easier deal.

In the meantime, my spiritual development (which was just beginning to blossom this time last month) has come to a dead halt again by nature of my absence of discipline. Of course, it does not help that I am also addicted to a board game and I find myself thinking about it when I wake up in the morning, or even as I drift off to sleep at night; while I find that disturbing, I do not find it as disturbing as you probably do--you must understand, the game in question is really cool.

But even though I feel like my spiritual development has halted, I know that it hasn't. The season of my life right now seems to be one of knowing God's presence without feeling it. Every time I get a paycheck, I thank God for the ways that He is providing for us, and I take comfort in knowing that He is taking care of me. Part of me would like to say that there is some great struggle inside me, but on this matter there is none. God is providing enough for me.

In some sense I feel that I have reached a point of spiritual maturity, but I know that if I were also self-disciplined I would be grounded in the spiritual disciplines. So there is a conflict within me, it is just not an impassioned one. I am comfortable in my spirituality and content to let God do the work of coming close to me, but I am not going through any of the motions that will let me draw closer to Him in turn. I know this is awful, but I don't feel bad when I try to do anything different and fail. God's grace is more than anything I can do, and it is much more than a free ride out of sin.

Put differently, the struggle is this: there is no reason not to memorize Ephesians (a very real goal of mine), and there are many reasons that I should, but I don't need to do so, so I do not. What I need is the self-discipline (or a smack up the side of my head) to do the host of things that I will need to be in the habit of doing later in life. But how do I get self-discipline? There doesn't seem to be a switch in the back of my head labeled "Self Discipline: on/off," because I have tried to flip it a number of times to no avail. Do I wait for God to flip that switch in me? Because I'm already doing that. Here I am again at the same conundrum I have faced over and over again for countless months. God is good though, and He is bigger than my conundrums--that is what keeps me from losing my head.

God's Provision Through the Summer

Over the course of this Summer, God has sent constant, material reminders that He is in control, that He cares for me, and that He will provide for my every need.

At the end of the school year I knew that I wanted to stay in Shawnee, but I didn't have a job or a place to live. Per suggestion from my girlfriend, I got a job at the same place as her brother. Around Finals week at school, I mentioned to a friend at church that I needed a place to live and he told me that he had a place up for rent. He gave my roommates and me very cheap rates on it and we got the first half-month free for cleaning the house before we moved in. After about a month at my job, the company sent everyone home while it dealt with some internal legal issues.

The day before I lost my job, I bought an antique ring with a petite diamond and proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and now we are getting married at the very end of December; our engagement is probably the biggest "I love you" that God has given me this whole summer.

After I lost my job I was discouraged in my job search, but my fiance encouraged me to keep looking for jobs and pointed me to Freedom Personnel, where I got a job as a garbage man. I worked about 20 hours a week as a garbage man for two or three weeks. I was miserable, and I hated it, but I was (and still am) thankful to God for it because it was a job. With some encouragement (again) from my fiance, I found a temporary job as a Web Developer and IT guy for a local company while their Web Developer was on maternity leave. It was a great job, it paid well, and I learned a lot while I worked there.

After that job ended my landlord offered to pay me to paint the house I was living in because he wants to sell it after we move out. Although this series of odd jobs in rapid succession may not look great on a job history sheet, I do not remember a single week in which I did not have a paying job.

A week ago, my fiance's brother-in-law and sister told us that someone in their church was told by God to give them a car. They weren't sure why God wanted to give them a car at first, but then they realized that they should give it to us. My grandparents moved to Alaska for two years while my grandpa served as an interim pastor there. My family was staying at their house at the time, so they left all their appliances there and bought duplicates while they lived in Alaska. When they returned they had double of everything, so their extras are being passed on to my fiance and I once we get married. My parents were, at one point, going to move into a house with two living rooms so they acquired two sets of nice couches. They ended up in a smaller house with only one living room, so the extra couch set is also going to my fiance and I.

My fiance and I are under no illusions that we won't have to work to provide for our needs, but we are realizing that it is God who really does the providing.

Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever
People from every nation and tribe
From generation to generation
We worship you
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
We worship you for who you are
And you are good

(A Double Header!)

This one’s for the beaten down
The ones who lost their rock and roll
Rise up you lost ones, claim your crown
You were born to rock inside your soul

Welcome misfits, orphans, all
The ones who feel they don’t belong
You were made to rock, so stand up tall
Go rock the world and prove them wrong

Rock what you got
Rock what you got
Don’t ever let them make you stop
Rock what you got
Light up the lot
No one can rock the way you rock

This one’s for originals
Who strike out towards the great unknown
Fear not the missteps, take the falls
The rock you find will be your own

This one’s for the beaten down
Who gave up on their rock and roll
Lift your eyes from what drags you down
You were born to rock inside your soul

Rock what you got
Rock what you got
Don’t ever let them make you stop
Rock what you got
Light up the lot
No one can rock the way you rock

- Rock What You Got by Superchick

Follow the leader, stay in the lines
What will people think of what you’ve done this time?
Go with the crowd, surely somebody knows
Why we’re all wearing the emperor’s clothes
Play it safe, play by the rules
Or don’t play at all – what if you lose?
That’s not the secret, but I know what is:
Everybody dies but not everyone lives

I’m gonna ride like I’ve got the cops on my tail
I’m gonna live my life like I’m out on bail
I’m gonna be out front, gonna blaze a trail
I’m gonna cross that line

Everybody freeze – don’t step over the line
Don’t stand up, they’ll shoot down the first one who tries
Try to change the world, they’ll think you’re out of your mind
Revolutions start when someone crosses the line
They want us to lie down, give into the lie
Nothing has to change, and no one has to die
That’s not the secret, but I know what is:
Everybody dies, but not everyone lives

I’m gonna ride like I’ve got the cops on my tail
I’m gonna live my life like I’m out on bail
I’m gonna be out front, gonna blaze a trail
I’m gonna cross that line

- Cross the Line by Superchick

Isaiah 30

It has been a few day since I spent time in the word and I was feeling the lack of it so before going to bed I sat down and read Isaiah 30. On the first read-through all the words went right by me and my mind was in another place, so I read it again and it began to resonate with me.

Dr. McWilliams talked about this particular time of Judah's history in my Old Testament class last semester. As I remember it, Assyria had successfully invaded Israel (the Northern Kingdom composed of ten tribes of Israel), so Judah (the Southern Kingdom made up of two tribes of Israel) was concerned about their own safety and they were entering alliance negotiations with the Egyptians. But YHWH wanted the Kingdom of Judah to rely on Him, and not on the Egyptians, so He commanded Isaiah to deliver the following message.

¹"Woe to the rebellious children," declares the LORD,
"Who execute a plan, but not Mine,
And make an alliance, but not of My Spirit,
In order to add sin to sin;
²Who proceed down to Egypt
Without consulting Me,
To take refuge in the safety of Pharaoh
And to seek shelter in the shadow of Egypt!
³"Therefore the safety of Pharaoh will be your shame
And the shelter in the shadow of Egypt, your humiliation.
⁴"For their princes are at Zoan
And their ambassadors arrive at Hanes.
⁵"Everyone will be ashamed because of a people who cannot profit them,
Who are not for help or profit, but for shame and also for reproach."
⁶The oracle concerning the beasts of the Negev
Through a land of distress and anguish,
From where come lioness and lion, viper and flying serpent,
They carry their riches on the backs of young donkeys
And their treasures on camels' humps,
To a people who cannot profit them;
⁷Even Egypt, whose help is vain and empty
Therefore, I have called her
"Rahab who has been exterminated."
⁸Now go, write it on a tablet before them
And inscribe it on a scroll,
That it may serve in the time to come
As a witness forever.
⁹For this is a rebellious people, false sons,
Sons who refuse to listen
To the instruction of the LORD;
¹⁰Who say to the seers, "You must not see visions";
And to the prophets, "You must not prophesy to us what is right,
Speak to us pleasant words,
Prophesy illusions.
¹¹"Get out of the way, turn aside from the path,
Let us hear no more about the Holy One of Israel."
¹²Therefore thus says the Holy One of Israel,
"Since you have rejected this word
And have put your trust in oppression and guile, and have relied on them,
¹³Therefore this iniquity will be to you
Like a breach about to fall,
A bulge in a high wall,
Whose collapse comes suddenly in an instant,
¹⁴Whose collapse is like the smashing of a potter's jar,
So ruthlessly shattered
That a sherd will not be found among its pieces
To take fire from a hearth
Or to scoop water from a cistern."
¹⁵For thus the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said,
"In repentance and rest you will be saved,
In quietness and trust is your strength."
But you were not willing,
¹⁶And you said, "No, for we will flee on horses,"
Therefore you shall flee!
"And we will ride on swift horses,"
Therefore those who pursue you shall be swift.
¹⁷One thousand will flee at the threat of one man;
You will flee at the threat of five,
Until you are left as a flag on a mountain top
And as a signal on a hill.
¹⁸Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
For the LORD is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him.
¹⁹O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. ²⁰Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. ²¹Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left. ²²And you will defile your graven images overlaid with silver, and your molten images plated with gold You will scatter them as an impure thing, and say to them, "Be gone!" ²³Then He will give you rain for the seed which you will sow in the ground, and bread from the yield of the ground, and it will be rich and plenteous; on that day your livestock will graze in a roomy pasture. ²⁴Also the oxen and the donkeys which work the ground will eat salted fodder, which has been winnowed with shovel and fork. ²⁵On every lofty mountain and on every high hill there will be streams running with water on the day of the great slaughter, when the towers fall. ²⁶The light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven days, on the day the LORD binds up the fracture of His people and heals the bruise He has inflicted.
²⁷Behold, the name of the LORD comes from a remote place;
Burning is His anger and dense is His smoke;
His lips are filled with indignation
And His tongue is like a consuming fire;
²⁸His breath is like an overflowing torrent,
Which reaches to the neck,
To shake the nations back and forth in a sieve,
And to put in the jaws of the peoples the bridle which leads to ruin.
²⁹You will have songs as in the night when you keep the festival,
And gladness of heart as when one marches to the sound of the flute,
To go to the mountain of the LORD, to the Rock of Israel.
³⁰And the LORD will cause His voice of authority to be heard,
And the descending of His arm to be seen in fierce anger,
And in the flame of a consuming fire
In cloudburst, downpour and hailstones.
³¹For at the voice of the LORD Assyria will be terrified,
When He strikes with the rod.
³²And every blow of the rod of punishment,
Which the LORD will lay on him,
Will be with the music of tambourines and lyres;
And in battles, brandishing weapons, He will fight them.
³³For Topheth has long been ready,
Indeed, it has been prepared for the king
He has made it deep and large,
A pyre of fire with plenty of wood;
The breath of the LORD, like a torrent of brimstone, sets it afire.

- Isaiah 30 New American Standard Bible -

Reading this passage, the righteousness, grace, and steadfast love of God for Judah stood out to me. Although He is a jealous God who will not abide His children depending on anyone weaker than Himself, He is also a gracious and loving God who always takes His children back when they repent. The image of God blessing the Southern Kingdom and spewing His wrath upon the Assyrians to protect His children is a very beautiful one.