Sunday, May 6

My Grandfather

My mom was digging around through some old folders or emails or something and found some old papers I wrote as homework assignments. Here is one of them. I'm not sure when I wrote it, but I present it to you essentially unedited; most likely from my Senior year of High School, but maybe older.

My grandfather was born in the rolling hills of the Ozarks (which some mistakenly call mountains) and since then he has lived in numerous places, including California, Texas,  New Mexico, Georgia, Utah, Alaska, and now a mountainside in Colorado.  He has preached numerous sermons, worked with many good people, changed many lives, pastored many churches, and held many important positions, (including: Regional Catalytic Missionary, Language Missions Director, Director of Associational Missions, and Director of State Missions) and though those things are great, they do not compare to his work as a father to his four children (Audrey, Ken, Kerry, and my father William) and a grandfather to his thirteen grandchildren.
Grandpa was born in Whit Springs, Arkansas on October 26th, 1936, he told me "I was born at a very young age, I was actually an infant when I was born," which is an example of his sense of humor.  He was not expected to live, and neither was his mother, so that when his grandmother died on November 6th, his father did not go to the funeral, because he thought his wife was going to die.  But they did not die, they lived on and eventually returned to full health.
When he was a boy, his family traveled to California in the spring and summer time to do farm labor.  They chopped cotton, harvested potatoes, (which he told me was very dirty work, by the end of the day only your eyes and your teeth were white) knocked almonds from trees, picked peaches (this involved climbing ladders to reach the peaches in 112 degree heat, with no breeze and very uncomfortable itches) and other such labor.  When fall came, they would return to Arkansas, and he told me that they made very good money (for the times) by doing this.
He went to the same school in Whit Springs first grade through to his High School graduation.  The rooms were divided such that first-through-third grades were all in one classrom together, fourth-through sixth grades were in another class room together etc. etc. all the way up tenth-through-twelfth grades.  Each student heard the lesson of the others in his room as well as his own lesson, so every student learned each lesson three times.  Grandpa graduated from High School second in his class -- from a class of two students -- at Whit Springs High School.  His graduation picture (which I have not seen) is him and his classmate sitting on a couch in his classmates living room.
After graduating from High School he went to California and stayed with his oldest sister Wanda and got a job with a company that made swingsets, though he quit that job to work for a battery company as an Assistant Shipping Clerk.
At this time, he attended Grace Baptist Church.  One evening after Sunday school, he and some of the other young men of the Church were putting away the room-dividers when Grandpa saw three young ladies sitting at the back of the Church.  He sat down near them and introduced himself to them.  These girls were Mary, Barbara, and Susy Brisco.  That night after she returned home, Barbara Brisco told her parents that she had met the man she was going to marry.
My grandpa dated Mary, Barbara's older sister, but he wouldn't date Barbara because he thought she was too young.  (She was maybe twelve at the time)  Eventually though, Barbara asked Kenneth to the Sadie Hawkin's dance and he agreed to go, but then went to see his brother instead.  His brother asked him why he was there, and he said
"I was going to go to the Sadie Hawkin's dance with Barbara, but I don't really want to go."  Then his borther told him that he should treat her better, because she was the "best-looking girl in that church."
Later on Kenneth went with Mary and Barbara to visit a former girlfriend who was sick and on the drive there Barbara asked him why he hadn't shown up at the dance, he apologized and then he told them about what his brother had said about Barbara, and Barbara said
"Well, I guess we'll have to get married then," so Grandpa gave her his class ring and they began dating and spending time together, though the plan of them getting married and her wearing his class ring was just a joke between them.  But after a few months of dating, Grandpa asked Barbara if she wanted him to give her a real ring, she told him that he would have to ask her parents.  So they asked the Briscos if they could marry and the Briscos told them that you could marry in one year; they figured it would all blow over.  It didn't, and on June 28th --the day after Barbara's 15th birthday-- they got married in Texas.  (A girl the age that grandma was at that time could not get married in the State of California unless she was pregnant, and grandma wasn't)
Grandpa quit working with Trojan and went to California Baptist College; (now California Baptist University) he didn't know that he needed to apply, so on July 1st he just showed up on campus, he was asked who he was and he said "I'm Kenneth Chadwick, and I'm here to go to school."  They told him that he had to enroll, so he worked out all the paperwork and he was ready for class by the beginning of the first semester.
While going to college, he began working with Hispanics at the First Spanish Baptist Church in El Monte, CA as an associate pastor.  At first there were two seperate sermons in the morning: one spoken by him in English to the English-speaking congregation and the other spoken in Spanish to the Spanish-speaking congregation, but eventually they moved to one sermon in Spanish to the whole congregation on Sunday morning and one sermon in English on Sunday night.
When he finished college he went to Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary in Mill Valley, California.  While he was in seminary, he was pastor of First Spanish Baptist Church in Hansford, CA.  During their time in California, my grandpa and grandma had their first three children, first my Aunt Audrey in December of '58, then my Uncle Ken in January of '60 and a while later, my Uncle Kerry in November of '63.
After seminary, he took the family to San Antonio, TX for ten months for he and grandma to go to language school.  After this they lived in Las Cruces, NM (where my father was born in March of '70) and then Albuqurque, NM, Atlanta, GA, Salt Lake City, UT, and Anchorage, AK.  Grandpa served as Regional Catalytic Missionary, Language Missions Director, Director of Ethnic Church Growth, Director of Associational Missions, (for both the Salt Lake Baptist association and the Rainbow Canyon Baptist association) and Director of State Missions, respectively.
Grandpa retired in 2002 and moved in with his son Ken in Red Feather Lakes, Colorado.  In 2003 his house was finished, and he and Grandma moved in to their own home not far from Ken's. (though he has since sold it and moved to Longmont, CO)  Since then, he has done missions in New Mexico, had a short stint in Torreon, in the state of Coahuila, Mexico, and spent six weeks in the Arctic Circle in 2004.  He was also the Interim Director of Missions for the Southwest Baptist Association for nine months, and the Interim Director of Missions for the Longs Peak Baptist Association for another nine months after that.  He was the Interim Pastor for First Baptist Kenai for nine months, and is currently the Interim Preacher (not serving the other roles of a pastor) for Canyon Ridge Baptist Church in Bellvue, CO.
My grandpa is now a great-grandpa for the third time, the first time being last July when my cousin Kerrys's daughter Aithne was born, the second when my cousin Chad's son Trystan was born, and the third the day before I called him, January 25th, at the birth of my cousin Connie's daughter Drew.
My grandpa taught me many important life lessons, whether indirectly through my father (who often prefixes his advice to me with "My father told me...") or directly from grandpa himself.  Much of it was advice about girls ("Never date a girl you wouldn't want to marry," for instance) but a lot of it was also helping to instill a passion for God into my dad, who has passed that on to me.
Grandpa likes to spend his time reading, -- he reads the Bible several hours every day, and he also likes to read Louis Lamour, John Grisham and different Christian authors -- watching basketball on television, going on walks, (he walks several miles on days when the weather is nice) and most of all, spending time with grandma.  When grandpa is in a good mood, he often sings old hymns or bluegrass songs, and he likes to tell jokes and humorous stories.
I feel that Grandpa's greatest legacy is his trust in God and his deep desire that all may know Christ.
The view from my grandfather's wrap-around deck is amazing.  Below his house is a valley with a river winding through it, (the fishing is good in that river, and he has caught many fish there) at the far end of the valley is a shining lake -- "Crystal Lake" by name -- that is pretty enough by itself, but is absolutely stunning when the sun reflects off of it.  There are evergreens, short and tall, young and old, on both sides of the valley with small swaths cut through them for dirt roads and houses.
Above his house are several rock outcroppings with dead, gray trees on them; when climbed these outcroppings offer an even better view than that from the deck, and one can see mountains in all directions for many miles.
Looking at the beauty of God's creations surrounding my grandpa's house, one understands why he retired there.

Sunday, April 15

Margins


Margins have been on my mind lately. Katie and I had a conversation the other day about our plans for the next twelve months. We're trying to decide how many credit hours I should take next year, among other things; I'm concerned about our margins. I hate being busy, so one of my goals for the next year is to minimize busyness as much as possible. Katie pointed out that no matter how many things we're actually doing, we always manage to let our current tasks expand to fill all available space so that we always feel busy.

Which brings me to margins. How do I set margins and live within them when I feel busy no matter how much I do? The answer, of course, is self-discipline*. Living with margins takes discipline; mostly, it seems it takes the discipline to say 'No.' Yes, the discipline to say 'no' to other people, but mostly the discipline to say 'No' to myself. I would like to think there is some other way to live with margins, but that seems to be what it boils down to. Hopefully, when I learn to have the discipline to say 'no', I will find the freedom to say 'yes'.

*I say this answer is no fun, but life must be more than fun (unfortunately).

Thursday, April 12

On Reading, Writing, the Malaise, and Fantasy Literature

I am currently reading Luke's Gospel, Tolkien's Roverandom, and Rossignol's This Gaming Life. Luke is challenging me, but I'm not sure I'm rising up to the challenge. I like Roverandom so far. It is much more whimsical than Tolkien's other pieces as it is a children's story, even moreso than The Hobbit, in fact. The introduction to This Gaming Life seems to be out to prove a point in defending the value of games by arguing for their ability to sharpen the mental reflexes of gamers and increase their ability to process information from multiple sources simultaneously. That's all well and good, but I look forward to seeing what else he has to say about video games and gamer culture.

I'm considering enrolling in a course on Creative Fiction next semester as an elective, so I've been thinking lately about what kind of fiction I might write. I would like to write about the Malaise, but I'll have to come at it from my own angle. How does one such as me write about the Malaise in a way that people understand? The Malaise, for me, seems to stem out of tasks of mental abstraction. Ironically, some of the things I most love--computers and games--seem to be the triggers for the abstraction of my self from itself. If I want to write about the Malaise, I will have to relate it to those things somehow.

Of course, I could also make an attempt at fantasy literature, as I have had an interest in doing since my childhood. I tend to feel very critical of modern fantasy literature. Tolkien invented the genre and very few have done anything truly original with it since then. For some reason, fantasy novelists seem incapable of separating the genre of fantasy from the epic scale it participates in within Tolkien's literature. My theory is that most fantasy novelists would be better off sticking to smaller adventures, or fantastical travelogues, rather than trying to create their own worlds. Maybe I just feel this way because Fellowship was my favorite of the trilogy and I think a lot can be done with the journey theme, but I also know that Tolkien spent years crafting Middle Earth, and he did it from his viewpoint as a linguist--it seems a little foolhardy for so many authors to try to start where he finished.

Friday, January 13

On How To Relieve Guilt Without Doing Anything of Substance

This morning I went to Wal-Mart to get some lunch foods. As I was leaving I saw an older man standing on a corner by a stop sign on the way out of the parking lot. I turned around and went back to Wal-Mart and bought him a jar of peanut butter, some granola bars, a pack of water bottles, and some plastic utensils. When I brought it to him, I noticed that someone had given him a cup of coffee from McDonald's. He thanked me for what I gave him and I turned around and left without saying much.

I thought to myself as I drove away "I should have prayed for him." Then I did pray for him.

But I don't know if I really helped him. It seems to me that if you really want to do something for a homeless man, you should take him to a home. Let him take a hot shower and a sink where he can make use of basic hygiene tools. Let him sleep in a warm bed and feed him good food. Make him feel welcome and give him some privacy.

I gave him some food that might last him a few days because I felt guilty. Maybe it relieved my guilt a little, but I don't really feel like I did much for him. He's still in the same state I left him in.

Saturday, November 5

Life, Lately

I feel different about life than I ever have before. I am working 25-32 hours each week while also going to all of my classes and doing a full-time students' work-load. It feels like a lot to do, and it is, but I am doing it all so that I can marry a sweet girl that I met a year and a half ago. Even though I'm the busiest I have ever been and should be really stressed out, I really don't mind.

Life with Katie is moving forward as it should. We have found a place to live and have budgeted out our income to ensure we can actually live there. I miss her more when we are apart than I used to, and I appreciate her presence for its own sake in ways I did not before. Unfortunately, I do not get to see her as often as I am accustomed to seeing her because of the times that I work--she works in the mornings and afternoons, and I work almost exclusively in the evenings. After homework is considered, we have practically no overlapping free time. But still, it is not so hard. Maybe this is what Jacob felt like when he was working to marry Rachel--he probably did not see her very often either, if he was working as hard for Laban as I have always imagined him to. Of course, he had to work for 7 years, and I am getting married in less than two months, so I suppose I have the easier deal.

In the meantime, my spiritual development (which was just beginning to blossom this time last month) has come to a dead halt again by nature of my absence of discipline. Of course, it does not help that I am also addicted to a board game and I find myself thinking about it when I wake up in the morning, or even as I drift off to sleep at night; while I find that disturbing, I do not find it as disturbing as you probably do--you must understand, the game in question is really cool.

But even though I feel like my spiritual development has halted, I know that it hasn't. The season of my life right now seems to be one of knowing God's presence without feeling it. Every time I get a paycheck, I thank God for the ways that He is providing for us, and I take comfort in knowing that He is taking care of me. Part of me would like to say that there is some great struggle inside me, but on this matter there is none. God is providing enough for me.

In some sense I feel that I have reached a point of spiritual maturity, but I know that if I were also self-disciplined I would be grounded in the spiritual disciplines. So there is a conflict within me, it is just not an impassioned one. I am comfortable in my spirituality and content to let God do the work of coming close to me, but I am not going through any of the motions that will let me draw closer to Him in turn. I know this is awful, but I don't feel bad when I try to do anything different and fail. God's grace is more than anything I can do, and it is much more than a free ride out of sin.

Put differently, the struggle is this: there is no reason not to memorize Ephesians (a very real goal of mine), and there are many reasons that I should, but I don't need to do so, so I do not. What I need is the self-discipline (or a smack up the side of my head) to do the host of things that I will need to be in the habit of doing later in life. But how do I get self-discipline? There doesn't seem to be a switch in the back of my head labeled "Self Discipline: on/off," because I have tried to flip it a number of times to no avail. Do I wait for God to flip that switch in me? Because I'm already doing that. Here I am again at the same conundrum I have faced over and over again for countless months. God is good though, and He is bigger than my conundrums--that is what keeps me from losing my head.

Monday, August 15

God's Provision Through the Summer

Over the course of this Summer, God has sent constant, material reminders that He is in control, that He cares for me, and that He will provide for my every need.

At the end of the school year I knew that I wanted to stay in Shawnee, but I didn't have a job or a place to live. Per suggestion from my girlfriend, I got a job at the same place as her brother. Around Finals week at school, I mentioned to a friend at church that I needed a place to live and he told me that he had a place up for rent. He gave my roommates and me very cheap rates on it and we got the first half-month free for cleaning the house before we moved in. After about a month at my job, the company sent everyone home while it dealt with some internal legal issues.

The day before I lost my job, I bought an antique ring with a petite diamond and proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and now we are getting married at the very end of December; our engagement is probably the biggest "I love you" that God has given me this whole summer.

After I lost my job I was discouraged in my job search, but my fiance encouraged me to keep looking for jobs and pointed me to Freedom Personnel, where I got a job as a garbage man. I worked about 20 hours a week as a garbage man for two or three weeks. I was miserable, and I hated it, but I was (and still am) thankful to God for it because it was a job. With some encouragement (again) from my fiance, I found a temporary job as a Web Developer and IT guy for a local company while their Web Developer was on maternity leave. It was a great job, it paid well, and I learned a lot while I worked there.

After that job ended my landlord offered to pay me to paint the house I was living in because he wants to sell it after we move out. Although this series of odd jobs in rapid succession may not look great on a job history sheet, I do not remember a single week in which I did not have a paying job.

A week ago, my fiance's brother-in-law and sister told us that someone in their church was told by God to give them a car. They weren't sure why God wanted to give them a car at first, but then they realized that they should give it to us. My grandparents moved to Alaska for two years while my grandpa served as an interim pastor there. My family was staying at their house at the time, so they left all their appliances there and bought duplicates while they lived in Alaska. When they returned they had double of everything, so their extras are being passed on to my fiance and I once we get married. My parents were, at one point, going to move into a house with two living rooms so they acquired two sets of nice couches. They ended up in a smaller house with only one living room, so the extra couch set is also going to my fiance and I.

My fiance and I are under no illusions that we won't have to work to provide for our needs, but we are realizing that it is God who really does the providing.
Lord you are good and your mercy endureth forever
People from every nation and tribe
From generation to generation
We worship you
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
We worship you for who you are
And you are good

Friday, December 10

Culture

I read an article recently that blew my mind. I do not think I had ever heard this said before and it turns a lot of things pop-Christians are saying (and things I have been thinking) upside down.

These are the parts that jumped out at me:
All this talk about engaging culture and being missionaries to your culture is a contradiction of terms, and, I believe, is why evangelicals tend to lose sight of the value of art and creativity and why, now, they’re desperately trying to get it back. But as long as this reclaiming of culture is done under the auspices that we have to somehow engage with culture, it’s a long way off.
So, what’s the problem with this view? It has become so pervasive to talk about culture as some thing that Christians are outside of and that we need to interface with, that we miss the obvious: we are a part of culture. Culture is not a freestanding institution that we plug into, rather it is something we create, shape, and move. Certainly there are things about our culture that we don’t like, but we don’t fix culture by creating subcultures, or by engaging culture, but by living inside culture: making art, writing words, playing songs.
... a lot of evangelical theology (until recently) tended to ignore the two thousand years of church history that preceded it, so too does this movement to bring art into the church forget that art has always been a part of the church. And, that is because the church is a major part of culture.
This is why I bristle at statements like this, found in the mission statement of an online Christian magazine: “We oppose our culture, not out of juvenile nonconformity, but out of acceptance of the fact that Christianity is countercultural to a world populated by the half-hearted, the double-minded, and unbelievers.”
We can’t oppose culture! We are culture!...
... Missionaries go to different cultures and, often, their greatest challenge is fitting in to the culture and thus gaining the trust of its participants. There are countless stories of this attempt to engage other cultures going horribly wrong, and egregious acts being committed in the guise of missions. The same is true when Christians imagine that we must engage our own culture. We become hostile outsiders.
Wow! "We can't oppose culture! We are culture!" This throws "in it, not of it" into a new light for me.

P.S. Mark Driscoll is incidental to this post. I have no beef with the guy.

Saturday, November 27

RE: The Baptist Faith and Message

First, check out the Baptist Faith and Message.

I more or less agree with all of the tenets of faith laid out in the Baptist Faith and Message. However, the following two passages I am not sure about yet.
"At the moment of regeneration [the Holy Spirit] baptizes every believer into the Body of Christ."
Regeneration is defined in the section on salvation. When I first read it, it sounded like cheap grace, but I re-read it and saw that was not so. This idea of regeneration by the Holy Spirit, as the first part of salvation through true repentance of sin and genuine faith in God sounds right--cheap grace does not.
"An adequate system of Christian education is necessary to a complete spiritual program for Christ's people."
As a practical person, I think education is important, and as a Christian person, I believe that when it is sought it should be sought whole-heartedly as an act of service to God. But I don't know if I believe that "secular" education (which is what this seems to be addressing--see the section on education) is "necessary" for a Christian.
"The church should not resort to the civil power to carry on its work."
This is, essentially, why I am a political conservative in matters of big government, welfare, healthcare, etc.

I guess this makes me a Baptist.

Thatisall.

Sunday, October 31

Paper Aeroplane

I spilled the ink across the page
trying to spell your name
So I fold it up and I flick it out
Paper aeroplane
It wont fly the seven seas to you
Cause it didn't leave my room
But it awaits the hands of someone else
The garbage man

Got to say mmm
mmm mmm
Got to say mmm
mmm mmm

So he opens it up and reads it out
to all his friends
Amongst the crowd a heart will break
and a heart will mend
He walks on home tired from work
The letter falls from his hand
He reaches out only to catch the sky
Its gone with the wind

Got to say mmm
mmm mmm
Got to say mmm
mmm mmm

I spilled the ink across the land
Trying to spell your name
Up and down there it goes
Paper aeroplane
It hasn't flown the seven seas to you
But its on its way
It goes through the hands
Then to someone else
To find you girl

Got to say mmm
Paper Aeroplane by Angus and Julia Stone

Friday, July 16

(A Double Header!)

This one’s for the beaten down
The ones who lost their rock and roll
Rise up you lost ones, claim your crown
You were born to rock inside your soul

Welcome misfits, orphans, all
The ones who feel they don’t belong
You were made to rock, so stand up tall
Go rock the world and prove them wrong

Rock what you got
Rock what you got
Don’t ever let them make you stop
Rock what you got
Light up the lot
No one can rock the way you rock

This one’s for originals
Who strike out towards the great unknown
Fear not the missteps, take the falls
The rock you find will be your own

This one’s for the beaten down
Who gave up on their rock and roll
Lift your eyes from what drags you down
You were born to rock inside your soul

Rock what you got
Rock what you got
Don’t ever let them make you stop
Rock what you got
Light up the lot
No one can rock the way you rock
- Rock What You Got by Superchick
Follow the leader, stay in the lines
What will people think of what you’ve done this time?
Go with the crowd, surely somebody knows
Why we’re all wearing the emperor’s clothes
Play it safe, play by the rules
Or don’t play at all – what if you lose?
That’s not the secret, but I know what is:
Everybody dies but not everyone lives

I’m gonna ride like I’ve got the cops on my tail
I’m gonna live my life like I’m out on bail
I’m gonna be out front, gonna blaze a trail
I’m gonna cross that line

Everybody freeze – don’t step over the line
Don’t stand up, they’ll shoot down the first one who tries
Try to change the world, they’ll think you’re out of your mind
Revolutions start when someone crosses the line
They want us to lie down, give into the lie
Nothing has to change, and no one has to die
That’s not the secret, but I know what is:
Everybody dies, but not everyone lives

I’m gonna ride like I’ve got the cops on my tail
I’m gonna live my life like I’m out on bail
I’m gonna be out front, gonna blaze a trail
I’m gonna cross that line
- Cross the Line by Superchick

Wednesday, July 7

Isaiah 30

It has been a few day since I spent time in the word and I was feeling the lack of it so before going to bed I sat down and read Isaiah 30. On the first read-through all the words went right by me and my mind was in another place, so I read it again and it began to resonate with me.

Dr. McWilliams talked about this particular time of Judah's history in my Old Testament class last semester. As I remember it, Assyria had successfully invaded Israel (the Northern Kingdom composed of ten tribes of Israel), so Judah (the Southern Kingdom made up of two tribes of Israel) was concerned about their own safety and they were entering alliance negotiations with the Egyptians. But YHWH wanted the Kingdom of Judah to rely on Him, and not on the Egyptians, so He commanded Isaiah to deliver the following message.
1"Woe to the rebellious children," declares the LORD,
"Who execute a plan, but not Mine,
And make an alliance, but not of My Spirit,
In order to add sin to sin;
2Who proceed down to Egypt
Without consulting Me,
To take refuge in the safety of Pharaoh
And to seek shelter in the shadow of Egypt!
3"Therefore the safety of Pharaoh will be your shame
And the shelter in the shadow of Egypt, your humiliation.
4"For their princes are at Zoan
And their ambassadors arrive at Hanes.
5"Everyone will be ashamed because of a people who cannot profit them,
Who are not for help or profit, but for shame and also for reproach."
6The oracle concerning the beasts of the Negev
Through a land of distress and anguish,
From where come lioness and lion, viper and flying serpent,
They carry their riches on the backs of young donkeys
And their treasures on camels' humps,
To a people who cannot profit them;
7Even Egypt, whose help is vain and empty
Therefore, I have called her
"Rahab who has been exterminated."
8Now go, write it on a tablet before them
And inscribe it on a scroll,
That it may serve in the time to come
As a witness forever.
9For this is a rebellious people, false sons,
Sons who refuse to listen
To the instruction of the LORD;
10Who say to the seers, "You must not see visions";
And to the prophets, "You must not prophesy to us what is right,
Speak to us pleasant words,
Prophesy illusions.
11"Get out of the way, turn aside from the path,
Let us hear no more about the Holy One of Israel."
12Therefore thus says the Holy One of Israel,
"Since you have rejected this word
And have put your trust in oppression and guile, and have relied on them,
13Therefore this iniquity will be to you
Like a breach about to fall,
A bulge in a high wall,
Whose collapse comes suddenly in an instant,
14Whose collapse is like the smashing of a potter's jar,
So ruthlessly shattered
That a sherd will not be found among its pieces
To take fire from a hearth
Or to scoop water from a cistern."
15For thus the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, has said,
"In repentance and rest you will be saved,
In quietness and trust is your strength."
But you were not willing,
16And you said, "No, for we will flee on horses,"
Therefore you shall flee!
"And we will ride on swift horses,"
Therefore those who pursue you shall be swift.
17One thousand will flee at the threat of one man;
You will flee at the threat of five,
Until you are left as a flag on a mountain top
And as a signal on a hill.
18Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
For the LORD is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him.
19O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. 20Although the Lord has given you bread of privation and water of oppression, He, your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will behold your Teacher. 21Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left. 22And you will defile your graven images overlaid with silver, and your molten images plated with gold You will scatter them as an impure thing, and say to them, "Be gone!" 23Then He will give you rain for the seed which you will sow in the ground, and bread from the yield of the ground, and it will be rich and plenteous; on that day your livestock will graze in a roomy pasture. 24Also the oxen and the donkeys which work the ground will eat salted fodder, which has been winnowed with shovel and fork. 25On every lofty mountain and on every high hill there will be streams running with water on the day of the great slaughter, when the towers fall. 26The light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven days, on the day the LORD binds up the fracture of His people and heals the bruise He has inflicted.
27Behold, the name of the LORD comes from a remote place;
Burning is His anger and dense is His smoke;
His lips are filled with indignation
And His tongue is like a consuming fire;
28His breath is like an overflowing torrent,
Which reaches to the neck,
To shake the nations back and forth in a sieve,
And to put in the jaws of the peoples the bridle which leads to ruin.
29You will have songs as in the night when you keep the festival,
And gladness of heart as when one marches to the sound of the flute,
To go to the mountain of the LORD, to the Rock of Israel.
30And the LORD will cause His voice of authority to be heard,
And the descending of His arm to be seen in fierce anger,
And in the flame of a consuming fire
In cloudburst, downpour and hailstones.
31For at the voice of the LORD Assyria will be terrified,
When He strikes with the rod.
32And every blow of the rod of punishment,
Which the LORD will lay on him,
Will be with the music of tambourines and lyres;
And in battles, brandishing weapons, He will fight them.
33For Topheth has long been ready,
Indeed, it has been prepared for the king
He has made it deep and large,
A pyre of fire with plenty of wood;
The breath of the LORD, like a torrent of brimstone, sets it afire.
- Isaiah 30 New American Standard Bible -

Reading this passage, the righteousness, grace, and steadfast love of God for Judah stood out to me. Although He is a jealous God who will not abide His children depending on anyone weaker than Himself, He is also a gracious and loving God who always takes His children back when they repent. The image of God blessing the Southern Kingdom and spewing His wrath upon the Assyrians to protect His children is a very beautiful one.

Saturday, July 3

Loving A Person

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it
Loving A Person by Sara Groves (and Gordon Kennedy)

(I'm not totally sure I've got all the lyrics here)

Monday, June 28

Belong

Fading memories ignored
I crawl across the forest floor
Pool reflects an orphan child
Dirty, lost, alone and wild
Fatherless and nameless still
Fallen heart and broken, will
there ever be a place where I belong

I cower ‘neath the monster trees
And try to stand on tired feet
But gravity knocks me to the ground
Where I give up, and tears roll down
I claw the dust and beg the end
Curse the day that I began
to hope there’d be a place where I belong

I hear a sound I recognize
You lift my chin and seek my eyes
Song of love You sing to me
I ache to sing it back to Thee
"Father Love prepares a place
Brother Jesus leads the way
Follow to the place where you belong!"

How did I miss this wondrous song?
The forest sang it all along
"River rinses all your shame
Father offers you His name
Father Love prepares a home
Brother Jesus leads you on
Follow to the place where you belong!"

"Father Love prepares a place
Brother Jesus leads the way
Follow to the place where you belong
Follow to the place where you belong!"
Belong by Chris Rice

Friday, June 25

Love the LORD Your God

26He said to him, "What is written in the Law? How do you read it?" 27And he answered, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself."
28And he said to him, "You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live."
- Luke 10:26-28 English Standard Version -

15For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
21So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
- Romans 7:15-25 English Standard Version -

Beg

Here I am
One more day of not
Loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things
that make me feel alright

So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through

So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love you with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day
My words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good.

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through

These songs are noise
In your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through
"Beg" by Shane & Shane

Thursday, June 24

Voices

In the silent hour I can hear them
I pray to the mother
But the mother doesn't love my soul
In the blackened earth lay my secrets
The hounds of hell know everything
At the moon they howl
I cut away, I get away,
I hide away from the light
Still they smell my fear, and they will hunt me like the animal I've been

Cut cut cut a hole in the night
The voices of the innocent are coming to life
Cut cut cut a hole in the night
The voices of the innocent are coming to life

In a graceless world, I was graceless
I'm just a murderer cause murder was my only chance
Though I'm wretched, I am not faithless
The ears of God hear everything
And He hears them still
Every cry, every breath
In every land that have slain
Just to save myself
How can God show mercy? I was merciless to them

Cut cut cut a hole in the night
The voices of the innocent are coming to life
Cut cut cut a hole in the night
The voices of the innocent are coming to life

"Your greatest sin is not the abortion that you've asked forgiveness for, or the adultery, or whatever it is that you did in your life, in the past, that you're ashamed of, that keeps hounding you -- your greatest sin is not that; your greatest sin is not believing God's word when He says that you're forgiven! You wanna' repent of something, friend? Stop repenting of sins you've already repented of, and repent of your unbelief!"

The voices of the innocent are coming to life
"Voices" by House of Heroes

Things I Don't Understand

I keep thinking that I'm beginning to get things figured out, and then God shows me more scripture. I was reading the beattitudes this morning and saw some things I just don't get. Then I read 1 Corinthians 5 and my entire Christian attitude dynamic was thrown for a loop.
Matthew 5:8 NASB: "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
They shall see God... with their eyes? They will go to heaven and be in His presence? What does He mean when He says "they shall see God," anyway?
Matthew 5:3,10 NASB: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
"Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
What is the Kingdom of Heaven? Is it the presence of God? Is it "heaven" as most Christians tend to think of it? This white place that we "go" to worship God after we die? Thus far in Matthew, Jesus and John have each said "Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near." So what is the Kingdom of Heaven?
1 Corinthians 5 ESV: 1It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife. 2And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you.
3For though absent in body, I am present in spirit; and as if present, I have already pronounced judgment on the one who did such a thing. 4When you are assembled in the name of the Lord Jesus and my spirit is present, with the power of our Lord Jesus, 5you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.
6 Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump? 7Cleanse out the old leaven that you may be a new lump, as you really are unleavened. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. 8Let us therefore celebrate the festival, not with the old leaven, the leaven of malice and evil, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.
9I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. 11But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 12For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? 13God judges those outside. "Purge the evil person from among you."

Romans 14 ESV: 1As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. 2 One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. 3Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. 4 Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
5 One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. 6The one who observes the day, observes it in honor of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. 8For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s. 9For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.
10Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; 11for it is written,
"As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me,
and every tongue shall confess to God."
12So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.
13 Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. 14I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. 15For if your brother is grieved by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. By what you eat, do not destroy the one for whom Christ died. 16 So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil. 17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. 18Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. 19So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
20 Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to make another stumble by what he eats. 21 It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble. 22The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. 23But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.
Looking at Romans 14 again I see that it's a different context -- eating unclean foods, rather than sinning sexually -- but I'm still a little confused. While it is obvious to me that sinning sexually is unacceptable -- Paul frequently condemns sexual sin in his letters, and Jesus told the adulterous woman to "sin no more" -- I am not sure that I understand how it is that some of the old law, like circumcision and unclean foods, are no longer necessary, but other parts, like sexual purity, are still necessary.

I understand that holiness is a must for Christians. Does 1 Corinthians 5 change how I react to my friend who claims to be a Christian but is living with her boyfriend? What about someone who claims to be a Christian and says she is a lesbian as well? I know I'm supposed to love them, but Paul seems to be saying that love towards a sinning Christian is not always "nice." He tells the Corinthian church to exile a man for his sin! I see that it is so that "his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord," but it seems so harsh to me. Am I making it more complex than it needs to be because I'm reluctant to accept a difficult teaching?

Does his council even apply to me, since the friend who is living with her boyfriend is not part of my church community? The Corinthian church was made up of all the Christians in Corinth. Does this mean that my "church" is made up of all the Christians in my logistical community?

I'm not looking for an answer from human reason, but from scripture. I am sure that there is an answer and that I will find it eventually. I apologize for asking so many questions without offering many answers.

Tuesday, June 22

Loved By A Relentless God

I am so thankful that God never lets me go.

In the beginning of the fall semester of my Freshman year I began dating a beautiful young woman. This happened at a time when I had inexplicably ceased to study my bible or pray on a regular basis for several weeks straight. I tried a few times to pick the habit back up, but it never stuck and I spent the rest of the semester exhausting myself mentally, spiritually, and physically. I was not behaving as I should have and I was not walking with God. I remember once weeping in a worship setting and asking God where He was; begging Him to come back to me. It was not until after my girlfriend dumped me a week before the Spring semester began that I realized it was not God who had left me, but I who had left God. The day that my girlfriend dumped me I went out to the prayer garden near my house and got honest with God. I read Psalms 16 and 18 aloud and put all my hope in the God they spoke of.
1Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.
2I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
I have no good besides You."
3As for the saints who are in the earth,
They are the majestic ones in whom is all my delight.
4The sorrows of those who have bartered for another god will be multiplied;
I shall not pour out their drink offerings of blood,
Nor will I take their names upon my lips.
5The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You support my lot.
6The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
7I will bless the LORD who has counseled me;
Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
8I have set the LORD continually before me;
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will dwell securely.
10For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol;
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.
11You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.
- Psalm 16 NASB -
1"I love You, O LORD, my strength."
2The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
And I am saved from my enemies.
4The cords of death encompassed me,
And the torrents of ungodliness terrified me.
5The cords of Sheol surrounded me;
The snares of death confronted me.
6In my distress I called upon the LORD,
And cried to my God for help;
He heard my voice out of His temple,
And my cry for help before Him came into His ears.
7Then the earth shook and quaked;
And the foundations of the mountains were trembling
And were shaken, because He was angry.
8Smoke went up out of His nostrils,
And fire from His mouth devoured;
Coals were kindled by it.
9He bowed the heavens also, and came down
With thick darkness under His feet.
10He rode upon a cherub and flew;
And He sped upon the wings of the wind.
11He made darkness His hiding place, His canopy around Him,
Darkness of waters, thick clouds of the skies.
12From the brightness before Him passed His thick clouds,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
13The LORD also thundered in the heavens,
And the Most High uttered His voice,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
14He sent out His arrows, and scattered them,
And lightning flashes in abundance, and routed them.
15Then the channels of water appeared,
And the foundations of the world were laid bare
At Your rebuke, O LORD,
At the blast of the breath of Your nostrils.
16He sent from on high, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
17He delivered me from my strong enemy,
And from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me.
18They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the LORD was my stay.
19He brought me forth also into a broad place;
He rescued me, because He delighted in me.
20The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness;
According to the cleanness of my hands He has recompensed me.
21For I have kept the ways of the LORD,
And have not wickedly departed from my God.
22For all His ordinances were before me,
And I did not put away His statutes from me.
23I was also blameless with Him,
And I kept myself from my iniquity.
24Therefore the LORD has recompensed me according to my righteousness,
According to the cleanness of my hands in His eyes.
25With the kind You show Yourself kind;
With the blameless You show Yourself blameless;
26With the pure You show Yourself pure,
And with the crooked You show Yourself astute.
27For You save an afflicted people,
But haughty eyes You abase.
28For You light my lamp;
The LORD my God illumines my darkness.
29For by You I can run upon a troop;
And by my God I can leap over a wall.
30As for God, His way is blameless;
The word of the LORD is tried;
He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.
31For who is God, but the LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God,
32The God who girds me with strength
And makes my way blameless?
33He makes my feet like hinds' feet,
And sets me upon my high places.
34He trains my hands for battle,
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
35You have also given me the shield of Your salvation,
And Your right hand upholds me;
And Your gentleness makes me great.
36You enlarge my steps under me,
And my feet have not slipped.
37I pursued my enemies and overtook them,
And I did not turn back until they were consumed.
38I shattered them, so that they were not able to rise;
They fell under my feet.
39For You have girded me with strength for battle;
You have subdued under me those who rose up against me.
40You have also made my enemies turn their backs to me,
And I destroyed those who hated me.
41They cried for help, but there was none to save,
Even to the LORD, but He did not answer them.
42Then I beat them fine as the dust before the wind;
I emptied them out as the mire of the streets.
43You have delivered me from the contentions of the people;
You have placed me as head of the nations;
A people whom I have not known serve me.
44As soon as they hear, they obey me;
Foreigners submit to me.
45Foreigners fade away,
And come trembling out of their fortresses.
46The LORD lives, and blessed be my rock;
And exalted be the God of my salvation,
47The God who executes vengeance for me,
And subdues peoples under me.
48He delivers me from my enemies;
Surely You lift me above those who rise up against me;
You rescue me from the violent man.
49Therefore I will give thanks to You among the nations, O LORD,
And I will sing praises to Your name.
50He gives great deliverance to His king,
And shows lovingkindness to His anointed,
To David and his descendants forever.
- Psalm 18 NASB -

I felt pretty low for a while after our breakup. The whole thing was very negative and I felt very much like "a worm and not a man" (Psalm 22:6).

Looking back I can see the way that God allowed me to suffer through that fall semester to learn valuable lessons about life, relationships, and most importantly, myself. What I am truly thankful for, however, is that God did not leave me where I was. He has brought me back to Him and is continuing to work in me to redeem my story. He is so good to me, always.

Tuesday, June 15

Say When

I see you there, don’t know where you come from
Unaware of a stare from someone
Don’t appear to care that I saw you and I want you
What’s your name, cause I have to know it
You let me in and begin to show it
We’re terrified cause we’re heading straight for it, might get it
You been the song playing on the background
All along but you’re turning up now
And everyone is rising to meet you, to greet you
Turn around and you’re walking toward me
I’m breaking down and you’re breathing slowly
You say the word and I will be your man, your man

Say when and my own two hands
Will comfort you tonight, tonight
Say when and my own two arms
Will carry you tonight, tonight

We’re coming close and then even closer
We bring it in but we get no further
We’re separate, two ghosts in one mirror, no nearer
Later on if it turns to chaos
Hurricane coming all around us
See the crack, pull it back from the window, you stay low

Say when and my own two hands
Will comfort you tonight, tonight
Say when and my own two arms
Will carry you tonight, tonight

I come across you lost and broken
You’re coming to but you’re slow in waking
You start to shake, you still haven’t spoken, what happened
They’re coming back and you just don’t know when
You want to cry but there’s nothing coming
They’re gonna push until you give in or say when
Now we’re here, and it turns to chaos
Hurricane, coming all around us
Double crack throws you back from the window, you stay low

It all began with a man & country
Every plan turns another century
Around again, another nation fallen
Maybe God can be on both sides
Of the gun, never understood why
Some of us never get it so good, so good
Some of this was here before us
All of this will go after us
It never stops until we give in, give in

Or say when and my own two hands
Will comfort you tonight, tonight
Say when and my own two arms
Will carry you tonight, tonight
"Say When" by The Fray

Sunday, May 9

Musing on Loneliness - Written Amidst 9:30 Honors English

I could dwell so long in my own "loneliness" and make so much more of it than there is to be made. I could beg the question "Must I always be alone?" but then I would forget: I am not alone. I do not lack companionship and I do not lack love. Why do I long to be "On Fire" like one shivering without a blanket? I have a blanket, and I have a fire, a fire that consumes me.

What do I need a woman for?